Facing Up

The Adventures of Captain Peroxide and Deadboy

The Angel/Spike Zone of the BtVS Writer's Guild

Disclaimer: Joss & Mutant Enemy own everything. I only wish I were that brilliant

Summary: Angel has to face up to his past when Spike starts seeing a shrink

Warning: Contains references to rape

Distribution: Take it, but let me know where to

Acknowledgements: Thanks to Pam for doing her beta thing

The hot water jetted from the shower head, scalding the vampire's cold, lifeless body and he sighed needlessly. When the day had been as hard as today had been (mind-controlling demons were never easy) he liked to relax with a hot shower. Eyes closed, he reached out for the bottle of ‘Boss’ all over body shampoo Cordy had given him for Christmas. Just because we are undead doesn’t mean we have to smell like it, she had joked.

He squeezed a small amount of gel into his hand and began to work it into a lather. As he rubbed the spicy scented foam into his hair the bubbles slowly began to drip down his naked chest. He soaped himself all over, lingering over the thickening shaft that jutted out from the mass of black curls below his stomach, as he breathed in the delicious aroma that reminded him of Cordy. He was seeing her in a different way these days. No longer as just a friend but as the sensual and desirable woman she was. He moaned softly as he caressed himself. He felt sure that she would be horrified, disgusted even, if she ever found out what he was using her gift for. He imagined her crinkling up her nose and squealing EEEEEWWWWW!. But she wasn’t going to find out was she and since he was never going to get any closer to her than this (that dammed curse) he allowed himself this small, though slightly guilty, pleasure.

With Cordy on his mind, Angel brought himself nearer and nearer to orgasm. He was almost there when a knock on the bathroom door shattered his fantasy.

"WHAT?" he snapped, leaning forward to rest his forehead on the shower wall.

"There’s someone downstairs who wants to see you." It was Cordy, terrific. "An old….. ‘friend’," she continued, "and he’s really pissed."

Angel took an elongated breath, trying to pick out the visitors scent from amongst all the others that now bombarded him. He identified it almost immediately. Blood, whiskey, tobacco and blind, uncompromising rage.

"Spike!" He breathed. "I’ll be right down."

Angel dressed quickly. Not sure what Spike wanted with him and knowing that Cordy disliked his childe with a passion, he didn’t want to leave them alone for any longer than was necessary.

He walked into the lobby to find a snarling Spike standing in a corner, game face on, yellow eyes glaring and Cordy,…..Cordy was calmly drinking coffee at the desk. Something wrong with this picture he thought, but as he moved round to the other side of the desk he found himself unable to suppress a grin. Cordelia was sitting back in the chair, bare feet up on the desk, one long outstretched leg resting across the other, making the split in her knee length skirt fall open just a little and showing rather more thigh than was good for her, or him. Her blouse had been pulled open deliberately to reveal the solid silver crucifix she always wore, and in her left hand she was holding a crossbow already loaded with a wooden stake.

Seeing Angel did nothing to calm him, if anything he seemed to become even more agitated. A defensive growl rumbled in his chest and he hissed at them both.

"I only said she was looking a bit tasty." He drawled. "Bloody humans! Can’t take a joke."

"You may have a chip in your head you bottle blonde moron, but I still don’t trust you any farther than I can throw you." Cordy bit back. Spike bared her his fangs, ignoring the pain that throbbed behind his eyes.

"Calm down, both of you." They did reluctantly. Gradually, Spike’s human face returned, though his fangs remained. "What do you want Spike?"

"I need to talk to you. Alone."

"Cordy. Go and see if Lorne has that information I asked him for yet."

"You can do that yourself over the phone. I’m not leav….." The two vampires shot her a look sharp enough to pierce through steel. "Okay okay, I get the message. I’ll go see Lorne. God!" She flounced out of the room, she was good at flouncing, and the two men stared at each other, unmoving until they heard the door slam.

"So. Why are you really here?" He wasn’t altogether sure he trusted Spike himself, but he was oddly glad to see him just the same.

"I told you. I need to talk to you."

He didn't answer at first, and Angel could see he was struggling with whatever it was, then.....

"Us." He spat the word out.

Whatever Angel had expected, it wasn’t that. Spike had spent the better part of a century trying to forget that they had ever had any sort of connection, not that he blamed him, but now, here he was talking about us. His brow furrowed as he studied the face of the man in front of him. What he saw came as a complete surprise to him. Gone was the usual mix of bloodlust, hatred and anger. It had been replaced by something else. Something that Angel found much more frightening. Pain.

For a brief moment, he thought he felt his undead heart begin to beat inside his chest once more, and he realized how empty his life had been. Sure, he had Cordy, and Wes, Gunn and Fred, but what he had with them was different. He had missed Spike. Spike was his childe. As Angelus he had molded him, taught him, guided him, made him what he wanted him to be. He hadn’t been able to get enough of the beautiful brown haired boy. His pretty blue eyes and delicate white skin had been like a drug to Angelus, and his blood, so pure and so sweet, had become an addiction. His obsession with William had angered his own sire, Darla but he hadn’t cared. He had lavished him with attention, given him gifts, pleasured him in ways that no one else would, or could. As William had grown he had become skilled in the arts of torture. The mere mention of his name filled mortal hearts with terror. Angelus had been as proud as any father. Then his sweet William had left him and it had hurt him as much as, no, more than a stake through his own heart. That sense of loss had stayed with him these ninety seven years. Even the gypsies curse had not dulled it. In truth it had only made it worse. When his soul had been returned to him his first thought had been for William. The many victims who had suffered at his hands paled into insignificance when he considered the unspeakable things he had done to the one he professed to love more than his own life.

Was it too much to hope, he wondered, that after all this time, his love was here to forgive him? Yes, he decided. Yes it was too much to hope. He didn’t deserve forgiveness. Spike despised him, and with good reason. That was what he truly deserved.

Desperately he tried, and failed to rid himself of those memories of their time together.

"I’m not sure exactly what you mean by us." he whispered.

Spike raised his hands to his face, covering his eyes and lowering his head.

"God! Why do I always feel like I’m nothin’ when I’m near you? Was I so little to you that you can’t even remember?"

"I remember. I remember everything Spike." He wished he could make him see how it had really been. How he had been everything to him, not nothing. How his desire had driven him so completely out of his mind that he couldn’t function properly, with or without him. Instead, all he could say was. " It was you who denied me all this time. Or did you forget?"

The boy looked up at him. Pain still raging in those blue eyes of his.

"Well, I tried real ‘ard." He said dragging a hand across the end of his nose. "Nearly managed it too. I was alright all the time I had Buffy. I know she never loved me, not as much as I did her but she cared and for a little while I didn’t feel like I was totally alone. Then she died an’ I….." He paused, suddenly unsure of himself, about talking to his sire like this. "Forget it. This was a bad idea." He pushed past Angel, suddenly desperate to be as far away from him as possible but Angel wasn't going to let him leave. Not yet. He grabbed Spike’s arm, digging his fingers into his flesh.

"I’ve been seein’ a shrink." He blurted out. "There. I said it. Now let go of me." He yanked his arm free before Angel could release his grip.

Dark eyes widened at his confession.

"You ‘erd. Go on. 'ave a good laugh. I know you wanna."."

"I’m not laughing."

"Stupid cow thinks I’m regressing to past lives or some crap like that, but she’s a good sort. I’m starting to get things straight in me own ‘ead. Facin’ up to things that ‘appened in the past. I told her about you. Didn't want to, she sort of dragged it out of me and I didn't know what I'd said 'til it was too late." His eyes were beginning to sting and he lowered his head, not wanting his Sire to know how badly he still hurt. "Anyway, she told me I needed closure, whatever the fuck that means, and she said the only way I was gonna get it was to come and talk to you. I told 'er it was a stupid idea but she.. well, she convinced me. So 'ere I am."

Angel stood staring at him, he couldn't think of anything to say, all he could think of was how hard it must have been for Spike to talk about what had happened between them, God knows it was hard enough just thinking about it. At the same time his heart swelled with admiration for his childe. For him to come here like this, showed a courage and strength of character that he knew he had never possessed himself.

"What do you want me to say? Sorry? If that's what you want I'll say it, and I'll mean it." If he’d had a pulse it would have been racing now.

"I don't want your apologies. It's too late for them now. I just want to know why. Why did you do those things to me? What did I do to you that made you hate me so much? The only thing I ever wanted was just to be near you. From the first time I laid eyes on you in that alley when I was still human, you were all I wanted. I wanted you so bad I couldn‘t think of anythin’ else. You were so bloody beautiful. I didn‘t even care when my life was being drained from my body, I was just so honored that you would even look at me." Of course Angelus had known something like that. It was that need to be wanted that had drawn him to that alley and to the boy in the first place but he had never realized just how deep that need really was. "When I was first changed I thought I’d died and gone to ‘eaven. You were there and you wanted me. You have no idea ‘ow ‘appy that made me. I loved you."

"I know you did." And I loved you too.

"I loved you so much Angelus, and what did you do? You humiliated me, you beat me down, tortured me till I thought I‘d die. You raped me…..and I just let ya. I let you do those things to me cos I loved ya. God! I was so fuckin’ stupid."

Tears welled in the boy’s eyes, spilling uncontrollably down his ivory cheeks. In almost two centuries Angel had never seen Spike cry and it made him sick with shame to know that he was the cause of those tears. His body tensed and he squeezed his eyes shut forcing his own tears back inside. How he longed to wrap himself around the sobbing childe and tell him he loved him, had always loved him, to whisper soothing words into his ear, and to kiss away the salty tears, but he doubted his comfort would be welcomed right now.

"Spike." He whispered an apology but it went unheard.

"I loved you, you sick bastard. I worshiped the ground you walked on. I didn’t care ‘ow much you ‘urt me, I was just so ‘appy to be near you, and you raped me. How could you do it Angelus?" He was shaking now, and looking more fragile than any human ever could. "I was just a kid. How could you? What did I ever do to you?"

"You made me want you." Came the reply.

Spike looked up at his sire and shook his head, rubbing the tears from his eyes.

"You know what the worst part was? You never once said you were sorry. Not even when the gypsies gave you your soul back. You were sorry about everyone and everythin’, ‘cept me. I hated you more for that than for anythin’ else. I hated myself too, cos if you‘d said you were sorry I‘d ‘ave ad you back in a heartbeat."

Angel was unable to speak. He opened his mouth but no words came.. He watched as Spike bent forward, his hands far apart on the desk in front of him, his head rested between them. Nervously he reached out, placing one hand on the boy’s shoulder. Even through the leather duster he could feel muscles rippling beneath his fingers and he felt himself growing hard. Spike flinched, pulling away from the touch and once again their eyes met. Please Angel’s begged, Please don’t leave me again.

"Look what you’ve done to me, what I’ve become. I was ‘William The Bloody’, master vampire. People feared me, I was a monster, a creature borne from their nightmares. Now look at me. I’m a bundle of nerves. I’m a joke. Too fuckin’ human to be a demon, too much demon to be human. I don’t belong anywhere and it’s all your fault. You did this to me Angelus. You made me like this." He screamed. And I still want you.

With small, slow steps, the older, darker vampire crossed the floor to where the younger one was standing. He was shaking. What did his childe think he was going to do to him. He gently placed his hands on the boys face, his thumbs caressing the finely sculptured cheekbones. Spikes lips parted just a little and it was all Angel could do to keep from kissing him right there.

"I’m sorry Spike." He whispered. "Truly sorry for everything I did to you. I know I hurt you in so many ways and I can never make that up to you. I’m not asking for your forgiveness, I don’t deserve that. All I ask is that you believe me when I say I would take it all back if I could."

With more restraint than he thought himself capable of (his passion for his childe had always gotten the better of him), Angel tenderly claimed the boys mouth for his own. His tongue pushing forward to find it‘s mate.

This isn’t why I came here Spike told himself, but it felt so good to be wanted again, to be desired, he didn’t know if he was strong enough to resist. He felt himself yielding to Angel’s kiss, longing to feel his strong hands caressing his body. His whole body was aching to become one with his master again. Damn Angelus.

"Don‘t do this to me." He pleaded against Angel’s lips. "Please, not again. I can‘t take it anymore." His pleas were ignored.

"Be mine Spike. It’ll be different this time. I won’t hurt you."

"No. I can’t. Please stop."

"I know you want me. I can smell it on you. You don’t need to be afraid of me anymore."

Gathering every ounce of strength he had and hoping it was enough, he tore himself away from his sire, pushing him violently against the desk, one hand on the back of his neck, holding him there, face down.

"I said stop! You fuck. You sick son of a bitch you haven’t changed at all. You still think I’m your toy. Your plaything. Well I’ve got news for you. Not anymore. This time I‘m in charge."

With his free hand, he reached around Angel’s body, yanking open the button and the zipper of his pants, then he hooked his thumb under the waistband and dragged them down to the floor along with his shorts. Angel knew what was coming but made no effort to stop it. Except for clenching his buttocks he remained motionless, waiting, wanting. It seemed like an eternity before he felt Spike’s hard cock pushing against his ass. It had never been this way before but it felt so right for him to be receiving rather than giving this time. Roughly, Spike thrust forward, tearing into his flesh with such ferocity that it made Angel cry out loud.

"Arrgh!" Fighting to keep the demon in him under control, he clutched the far side of the desk digging his claw like fingernails into the wood as deep as he could.

"How do you like that Angelus, huh? Hard enough for ya?"

"It hurts." Angel groaned as Spike plunged into him again and again.

"Good. And it’s gonna hurt a whole lot fuckin’ more before I’m finished wiv you."

Was this what it had felt like for him, for William, all those times? The pain was like nothing he’d ever experienced before. It was Hell and Heaven at the same time. He hated it but he wanted more. He understood now why Spike was so angry. Not just at his violator but at himself too. Again Spike thrust forward, harder and deeper than before.

"Yes. Again. Harder." He pushed backwards, drawing Spike further into him.

"Are you getting off on this Angelus.?" Angel shook his head. His cock was straining for attention but right now he wasn’t concerned with his own pleasure. All that mattered to him at this moment was helping his childe find release. As Spike neared that release , he loosened his grip on Angel’s neck, grabbing him by the hair and pulling his head up so that his ear was level with his mouth. "Scream for me Angelus. Scream for me just like I screamed for you."

Angel screamed something in a long forgotten language and with a loud growl and one final thrust, it was over.

Almost immediately Spike withdrew. He stumbled backwards, shaking, his face in his hands. When he felt the chair hit the back of his knees, his legs gave way and he fell with a thud onto the ground in front of it.

"Oh God! What ‘ave I done? Fuck! I’m sorry. I never meant to…..I just…..I was so angry. Oh God Angel I’m sorry."

Angel. He called me Angel. Spike had always called him Angelus, or Master or Sire, but never Angel. He wasn’t sure what it meant right now but he was sure it meant something. Carefully he pulled up his shorts and pants, vaguely aware that his own erection was still raging, and fastened them back up. He turned to look at his childe and his heart wrenched at the sight. Somehow, without meaning to, he had managed to hurt him yet again. He had allowed Spike to brutalize him out of guilt. He had hoped Spike would feel he’d had some measure of revenge, but instead he had caused him to feel shame and he loathed himself for that.

Spike was rocking back and forth, hugging his knees to his chest, and crying.

"I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry." he mumbled over and over.

In a flash, Angel was there. Dropping to his knees beside him, he hugged the boy into his arms.

"It’s okay Spike. Don’t be sorry."

"I ‘ated you so much for what you did to me. I wanted to punish you. I wanted to make you ‘urt so you’d know how I felt, and now…..Now I’m no better than you."

"No no no. You’re wrong, don’t even think that. You were always better than me Spike. Always. It took a gypsy’s curse, for me to find a soul but look at you, you’re doing it all by yourself."

"You didn’t try to stop me."

"I wanted it. I needed it. I needed you. I still do." Spike pushed himself up on his knuckles and looked into the beautiful, dusky eyes of his master.

"I want to be yours again Master."

"Not master, just Angel." Softly he placed a tiny baby kiss in the center of the boy’s forehead. "Just Angel."

"Angel! I’m back! You Okay?" Cordelia called, pushing the heavy paneled door closed behind her.

"In here! He called back and waited for her to find him in the office.

"Lorne said Lilah was there last night with a purple skinned demon. He didn’t know what they were talking about but he said one of the bar staff heard your name mentioned." He heard her drop her keys on the lobby desk and then her footsteps clip-clopped nearer and nearer. Standing in the doorway with her arms crossed, she searched his face and body with her eyes. "Turn around." He did as she requested , not sure why she had asked. "Okay. I don’t see any puncture wounds." He turned back and she carefully examined the rest of the room. "I don’t see a big pile of dust either. Where is he?"

"I don’t know Cordelia. Vampire, remember? Claws, fangs, drinks blood. No x-ray vision."

"Funny. Sarcasm doesn’t suit you Angel. What did he want.?"

She stared at him for a moment waiting for him to elaborate and when he didn’t she raised her eyes and tutted.

"Does blood from a stone mean anything to you? Never mind. I know, it’s none of my business. I was worried about you, that’s all."

"So. What really happened?"

"It’s a long story."

"You should probably sit down." Cordy sat, her eyes never left his. Angel couldn’t quite decide whether she looked more concerned or terrified and decided it was probably a little of both. He grabbed a chair from behind one of the other desks and dragged it around to the front. He swiveled it around on one leg, dropped it with a bang and straddled it horse fashion, so he was facing her.

For a moment he just stared at her. He wanted to tell her the truth , he owed her that. He owed Spike that, but he honestly didn’t know where to begin.

"Okay!" She said after a few minutes of silence. "Let me make this easier for you……I’m guessing this has something to do with Angelus. Am I right?" He nodded. "And if Spike is involved, then it’s probably old Angelus, not perfect bliss Angelus."

"Well, you don’t really talk much about those times. Only when some evil thing you, he did comes back to haunt you." Angel’s eyes darkened and he lowered his head. "Oh."

It always amazed him how perceptive she could sometimes be without really trying. "You did something terrible to him back then didn’t you?

"God Cordelia, I did so many terrible things to him."

She detected a slight quiver in his voice and she hoped he wasn’t about to get all teary on her. The thought of the 6ft tall vampire crying on her shoulder was just too bizarre.

"You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to." She whispered. "But I promise I won’t think any less of you if you do."

"Maybe you should wait until you’ve heard it before you go making promises like that. Besides, I owe Spike the truth…..You know it was me who sired him?"

"I thought Druscilla….."

"Technically yeah, she did it because I told her to and I was her sire too so, that made him mine. Vampire kinships are very strong. Family is everything. There’s a bond between sire and childe that even I can’t explain. We’re also extremely hedonistic.. We exist for sensation, pain and pleasure, we find it anywhere we can." He paused, trying to find a more delicate way to put it but he couldn’t. "Sex was a big part of our relationship, Darla, Me, Dru, Penn and Spike. Sometimes we’d spend weeks in bed, all of us together, only stopping now and again to feed. First I’d be with Darla, then Dru, then they would be together and I’d be with Spike and….."

"Enough already. I get the picture." She said, screwing up her nose and waving her hands at him. He smiled half-heartedly.

"Anyway, I got to like being with Spike more than I did the others. You should’ve seen him back then Cordy. I thought he was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. He was…..exquisite. I used to love running my fingers through his hair, touching his skin….." She screwed up her face again and Angel stopped, suspecting that this was a little more information than she wanted to hear right now.

"You were in love with him." It wasn‘t a question. He nodded.

"More than that. I was obsessed. Darla hated it. If I left her bed to go to him she made him suffer for it."

"And we all know how good Darla is at making People suffer." She reached out for him, clasping both her hands around his in a gesture of friendship. "Look, Angel, if you loved him….."

"Abruptly he pulled his hands from hers and leapt to his feet, spinning round on his heels so he was facing the opposite way.

"You don’t understand Cordy. I loved him so much I scared myself. Me, Angelus. He was just a boy and he had such power over me. I hated it. I hated being that vulnerable, so I would punish him for making me feel like that." He paused for an unnecessary breath before continuing. "I beat him, and I tortured him so badly that he sometimes didn’t heal for weeks." That was bad and Cordelia knew it. Vampires were known for their quick regenerative powers and although she was never going to be Spike’s biggest fan (too much had happened in the past) she was beginning to feel a little sorry for him. "I even…..I raped him Cordy, time and time again because it was the only way I could still feel powerful. I loved him and I raped him. How could I do that? How could I hurt him like that when I loved him so much?" For a moment he was silent. "He never complained. Not once. You know why? Because he loved me. He wanted so badly, to be near me that he didn’t care what I did to him as long as I did something."

He still had his back to her but she could see, by the way his shoulders were shaking that he was crying. She decided against trying to comfort him, he clearly thought he deserved the pain he was feeling and a small part of her agreed with him, instead she remained in her seat with her hands folded in her lap.

"I don’t know what to say. To tell the truth, I’m a little nauseous."

"I shouldn’t have told you. You think I’m sick." He should have expected that.

"No. I think Angelus was sick." He turned around, his eyes were still damp from the tears but they thanked her for what she said.

"He left me eventually and I don’t blame him but I thought my world was going to end. I never realized until tonight though just how badly I hurt him. He’s uh, he’s in therapy, because of me. That’s why he came here, to face his demons." He knew the pun was awful but it perfectly described the situation.

Cordy tried to guess how the conversation had gone. It must have been very emotional. She noticed how much paler Angel was than usual, he looked drained. All she could do for him now was support him.

"He’s okay I think."

"I’m good. It did us both good to talk about it. I got to tell him I was sorry." He told her and smiled.

"Well." She said cheerfully standing up and heading towards the door. "I need a coffee. Do you want anything? He shook his head.

"I’ll get something later…..Cordy!"

She stopped where she was and turned to look at him.

"You’re still in love with him. You want him to stay."

"Is it that obvious?

"Duh!" She grinned and so did he and the mood lightened for a moment. It didn’t last. Angel needed to know what his friend was feeling.

"Are you okay with that?" He asked. For a moment she remained silent. He tried to read her eyes but found he couldn’t. Too much going on in there.

"I can’t pretend I like it." She replied at last. "And I can’t pretend I like Spike but I understand him a little better now and hey, I didn’t like you much to start with so who knows. I guess what I mean is, if he’s what you really want , then I want him for you. But if he ever does anything to hurt any one of us then I won’t hesitate to stake him."

"Thanks. I appreciate your honesty."

Cordy flung her arms around him, taking him by surprise and squeezed him tight

"You‘re my best friend, I want you to be happy. Just don’t be telling me about his hair and his skin again huh, cause that’s icky. And I definitely don’t want to know if the two of you , you know, in the office."

"Actually, it was over the desk in the lobby." He offered, laughing.

"Yuck much!!!" She grimaced and she left.

Angel stood, head tilted to one side, staring at the naked blonde body laying curled up in the fetal position in his bed and wondered how he had ever existed without him. His hair was different, and he was much more slender now than he had been back then but he was still impossibly beautiful. He reached down to lift a curl from his face and his thumb accidentally brushed against the smooth skin of his cheekbone. Spike moaned softly and opened his eyes.

"Hey you, sleepy head."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better now I’ve ‘ad some sleep." He stretched his arms out above his head and rolled onto his back. The darker vampire’s gaze was drawn to the center of the white cotton sheet, behind which Spike’s erection was making no attempt to hide and he unconsciously licked his lips. Realizing how turned on he was becoming he quickly sat down on the edge of the bed, bringing his knee up in front of him in an attempt to hide his own, now painfully obvious arousal.

"You look better." He said, reluctantly tearing his eyes away from Spike’s near nakedness and forcing himself to look at his face. It was true, he didn’t look as…..lost as he had earlier but he was obviously still troubled about what had happened. It would take a long time to make everything right Angel supposed, if he ever could.

"I’m okay. Sore, but I heal quickly." Spike laughed but not heartily, and he sat up straight. "I bought you a drink." Angel said, nodding towards a mug of pig’s blood on the nightstand. It was still warm from the microwave and Spike drank ravenously.

"So. What did you tell Lady Muck?"

"The truth." The blond vampire eyed him suspiciously. "About everything."

"I can imagine ‘ow that went. What did you ‘ave to do, strap her to a chair to stop her runnin’ up ‘ere and stakin’ me."

"Actually, she was pretty cool about it. She wasn’t exactly thrilled but she said if I was happy, she was happy."

"You’re happy?" He seemed surprised. "Even after what I did?"

"I have you back. Why wouldn’t I be happy?"

"I dunno. Maybe cos I’m an irrational, neurotic, self-pitying. sorry excuse for a demon with an anger management problem and enough hang ups to fill Joan bloody Collins’ wardrobe."

"You really don’t like yourself very much, do you?"

"Not ‘specially, no, but I‘m working‘ on it." Angel hung his head, his soul assuring him that his guilt was going nowhere.

"I meant what I said, you know. About taking it all back."

"Good. I’m not the same as I was back then. I’m not Angelus anymore, I….." I want you so bad it’ killing me. He shifted uncomfortably where he was sitting.

"Nothing. It’s just, I’m trying to be caring and understanding here and you’re…..You’re naked."

"Oh." Spike grinned and this time it was genuine. "You got a problem wiv me bein’ naked ‘ave you?"

"Only in the sense that it’s making me so damn horny you wouldn’t believe. Look, you probably need time, I know that and it’s okay. I don’t want to push you into anything. I promised I wasn’t going to hurt you again and I meant it. Whatever happens, it’s your decision. I just wanted you to know that."

Without warning, Spike leant forward, pressing his lips to Angel’s with a passion that, had either vampire had any breath left in their bodies, would surely have taken it away. Angel groaned, his cock hardening even more and he snaked his hands around Spike’s body.

Spike shivered as strong cool fingers gently caressed his bare skin. His hands found the buttons on the front of Angel’s black shirt and he busied himself with the task of undoing them. First one came free, then another and soon the shirt was open. He tugged it free from the waistband and slipped his hands inside, his knuckles kneading the taut muscles of his naked chest.

Angel’s hands caught his wrists, and he pulled back slightly, his chestnut eyes locked with Spike’s blue ones.

"What’s wrong? Is it the curse?"

"No. That only works with humans." He said remembering his last night with Darla.. "It’s just…..Are you sure this is what you want?" He asked, half afraid the answer would be no.

"I’m not made of glass you big dope. And I don’t mind a bit of rough now and again either. I just want you to want me, like before." It was almost a plea. A part of him still couldn’t believe that someone as strong and beautiful as Angel would really want him.

"I want you." Angel whispered. "I never stopped wanting you."

The two of them tumbled backwards onto the bed, locked in a breathless kiss, their hands feverishly exploring one another’s bodies. It had been a long time for both of them, too long. Spike pushed the black shirt off of Angel’s shoulders, tugging it down his arms and, with help, over his wrists, then he turned his attention to the pants that were denying him access to that which he most wanted. He fumbled for a minute before growling…..

"Take ‘em off. Now!"

As Angel stood up to remove the rest of his clothes, Spike pulled back the sheet and began to stroke his aroused cock. Angel stared wantonly and when he was fully naked, he joined him on the bed. Two cool, naked bodies pressed together, cock rubbing against cock, the scent of arousal, it was almost too much for Angel.

"I don’t know if I can hold myself back." He said.

"Neither do I." Spike slipped into game face, giving Angel permission to do the same.

He sank his fangs into his bottom lip and the blood that flowed into his mouth and down his throat seemed to give him the extra strength he needed. He moved down Spike’s body, teasing his chest with the sharp points of his fangs, nipping and sucking at his nipples, hard enough to bring the blood to the surface but not quite enough to break the skin.

Spike arched his back up off the bed and Angel’s mouth moved briefly across his stomach, then he went lower.

"I want to make you feel so good. I want to taste you. Every inch of you."

"Do it. Suck it now." He ordered. As his rigid shaft was enveloped by Angel’s cool, wet mouth, his hips bucked. Angel brought his hands up, pushing him back down, holding him still while his lips and tongue continued to work their magic. "Ahhh. Fuck yes." He pushed up on his elbows so he could see his lover’s face as he sucked his cock. "I’m gonna come." he hissed and Angel sucked harder. "Oh yeah, that’s it. Ahhhhh!" Seconds later he exploded, pumping a stream of salty white semen down Angel’s throat.

The darker vampire didn’t release him until he was sure he had drained him of every last drop, then he looked up. His human face had returned and he looked flushed.

"Tell me what you want now." He said but Spike could barely speak. "Tell me, and I’ll do it."

"Fuck me." He breathed hoarsely. "Please."

Angel’s self control was deserting him rapidly, he wanted nothing more than to bury himself deep inside that wonderfully sensual body but for the sake of Spike’s sanity, he hung on to what little he had left.

"How do you want it?"

"Face to face. I need to see ya." Angel understood that need and he shared it. With great care he lifted Spike’s legs. Gently he ran his fingers over the curves of the blonde vampire’s ass. Suddenly it occurred to him that he hadn’t expected any of this to happen. He was unprepared, his demon vanished.

"I don’t have any…..lubrication…..I don’t want to hurt you."

Spike’s body screamed at him, I don’t care, just do it, but Angel did care. He reached his hand down and gathered up a few drops of the pre-come fluid that was dripping from his swollen penis and with just the tips of his fingers, he began to massage it into Spike’s tight, muscular opening. Carefully, he slipped one finger inside , gently stroking his prostate and he moaned. Another finger made him shiver, and he hardened again. As soon as the third finger entered him he cried out…..

"For Christ’s sake Angel, don’t make me wait." The desperation for intimacy was evident in both vampires now. Spike pawed at Angel’s naked body, his fingernails causing deep, bloody gashes in his cool flesh as he, tried to pull him inside.

That was it. Angel could hold back no longer. He made sure that his cock was moist with pre-come and parted his legs with his knees before finally pushing his full length into Spike’s willing body. Spike responded, shuddering and writhing beneath him, his muscles contracted around Angel’s pulsating member and Angel lost himself to his demon. With one hand, he pushed himself up so he could see. With his other hand, he grasped Spike’s engorged cock and started to wank the shaft back and forth as he pounded into him. They kissed, hungrily, their tongues meshed together as their passion intensified.

Spike met each thrust, whispering Angel’s name as he did, and it sent the dark vampire over the edge.

"Spike, I. I. Oh God! Yes. I." He babbled incoherently. When the fog cleared from his mind he pulled back from the kiss, staring intensely into deep blue eyes, so full of love, and said, simply….."Drink me."

Without hesitation Spike’s demon countenance returned, his fangs descended and he sank them into Angels neck. Angel threw his head back and growled loudly as Spike began to drink. The sensation was more intense than he had ever imagined, until now only one other person had drunk from him and that was Darla but it had been nothing like this.

Spike feasted himself on his lover’s blood, relishing the sweet coppery taste as it flowed through him, intoxicating him. As he drank he suddenly realized why Angel had asked him to do this. The truth of his emotion was in his blood. He loved him, completely and always had, he knew that now. Angel would never hurt him again. More than that, Angel would protect him with his own life.

The two vampires climaxed together at that moment, harder and faster than ever before. Spike withdrew his fangs and licked the blood from his lips with the tip of his tongue, while Angel lay motionless on top of him. When he was finally able to move, Angel rolled over onto his back and pulled Spike to him in a tight embrace as humanity returned to them both.

"I love you." He sighed.

"I know you do." Spike replied. "I tasted it."

Slowly they drifted into a sleep that only comes from true contentment. Both of them had finally faced up to their past. Wherever their unlives took them after this it didn’t matter. As long as they had each other, they were home.