The Adventures of Captain Peroxide and Deadboy
The Angel/Spike Zone of the BtVS Writer's Guild
Title: Pride and Punishment -Part 1
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: PG for language (only one naughty word, I think).
Content: Angst and implied slash, dom/sub.
Pairings: A(us)/S
Description: Angel's thoughts about Angelus' relationship with Spike.
Alternate universe: Between `Out of my mind' and `No place like home' (Buffy -season five) and between `Untouched' and `Dear boy' (Angel -Season two). Angel is Spike's sire. He is not as into Darla as he is in the show and vampires are a lot dirtier than Joss makes them out to be. Apart from that…
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss the almighty and everyone else with their name all over the show.
Attention seeking was always his way. I don't remember a single year we had together when he didn't screw up, just to get my attention. Back then; attention from me was…pain and humiliation. I knew in my heart that he enjoyed it. I also knew Darla resented every second I spent with him. Our abnormal family was only kept together because of me. I'm amazed it lasted as long as it did. I did everything my sire told me, except when it came to William. For my heart truly belonged to him in a way it never belonged to Darla. As Angelus, I never loved. But with William, I came as close as possible.
I wonder if he still thinks of me the way he used to. When I lost my soul for the second time and tried to send the world to hell, I wasn't the Angelus he had hoped for when he first realised his sire was back. Angelus was different. More arrogant, sadistic and uncaring. That wasn't the Angelus I had been. The real Angelus was careful and protective. I guess he was also brutal and cruel but he was nothing compared to the lunatic that inhabited my body after Buffy.
He never knew why I had to leave so suddenly. Darla didn't even give him that. I wish now that I could have told him. Written a letter. Anything. He won't admit it, but he was shattered when I left. I wonder whether he tried to find me. Or whether he tried to become me in my absence. He did do one thing right though…he took care of Dru. He did that one thing and for that I am very thankful. Even now, I still worry about them. After Penn…I briefly wondered about the others. I know one day I will have to face my demons and kill them all but a part of me hopes I will die first. The bond is too strong, it always will be.
Spike was always my favourite. He stood up to me even after all that I had done to him. Nothing could keep him down. He had far too much pride. And I respected that. Darla, however…didn't.
**********
“You spend too much time punishing the boy.” She scolded. I stood there, towering over her. Almost as strong as her. In a fair fight, I could have taken her. But she was my sire and I was as bonded to her as William was to me.
“Ye told me te take him more in hand, what d'ye expect me te do with him?” I asked, growing tired of the constant bickering between us all.
“Oh, Angelus. You know full well he enjoys it.” Darla chastised. “If you didn't give him so much attention, maybe he wouldn't act out.”
“Ah, ye know full well William has a flare for trouble. I canno' say anything nor do anything te change that.” I replied.
“He is too much trouble.” Darla had told me. “You shall teach him some manners or I shall stake the boy.”
**********
Back then I had mistook it as jealousy. But looking back, I see now that she had had a point. Everywhere we went, we were forced to leave because of his idiocy. He didn't understand the concept of planning ahead. Now, I had been somewhat…rambunctious as a fledgling. I had arrogantly stood up to the Master. But I always had the sense to do as my sire had told me.
I tried different tactics. I tried to ignore the boy when he chose to disobey me. That would have worked wonderfully if I had not been so attached to him.
*********
“Yer late, William.” I said, coldly as he walked in four hours late. He stunk of cheap whores' blood and even cheaper alcohol.
“Yeah…sorry bout that, Angelus.” He said, trying to minimize the swaying. “Lost track of time.”
I stood up and walked to mine and Darla's bedroom, without another word. He gawped at me, not sure what to think.
“Uh, Angelus?” He called after me. “Should I…uh, get your belt?” He followed me nervously.
“No, William.” I said, quietly. “Off te bed with ye.” He stopped me before I could climb the stairs.
“Sire?” He asked, looking worried. It must have gotten to him; he never called me sire unless he had to.
“What is it now?” I asked, using all my energy to look at him the way I did.
“You're not going to…? I thought you'd be angry.” He said, softly. I wanted nothing more than to punish the boy but I had to try this. I had to try something.
“I'm no' angry, William.” I replied, pushing past him. He watched me walk away, a distressing look upon his face. As I reached the stop of the stairs, without looking round, I said the words that really made all the difference. “I'm disappointed.”
I slipped into bed with Darla, hoping that she would keep me company that night. But she was still sore and ignored me. I wondered if that was how Spike had felt. Moments later, when Darla was asleep, the door opened gently and he walked in. I pretended to be asleep.
He walked over to my side of the bed, being the most quiet I've ever known him, and he sat on the floor by me and brought his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them. He sat there for two hours, without moving. I was shocked with his persistence. It was the most I had known him to stay still without fidgeting.
It was I who gave up first. I opened my eyes and looked down at him. His back was resting against the bedside table, his face still facing the floor. And yet he saw me move. He looked up at me, looking more vulnerable than he had ever done before. In seconds, I had slipped out of bed and taken him back to his room.
*********
That night was the first and only night we made love, rather than me fuck him. I remember every detail. I wonder if he does?
I think about Spike more and more as the days pass. Sometimes he dominates my thoughts more than Buffy. I find myself wishing he would show up here again. Perhaps if I had not destroyed the ring of Amara, he would have reason to. Perhaps one day he'll show up to get revenge. He hasn't once mentioned our time together since he came back into my life. Not even when I was Angelus again.
As years progressed, so did he. He quickly became as strong and clever as me. Although he never had the flare for art that I did, he had his own style that made him different. Darla grew to hate him more and more. She started to use him to hurt me, hoping that I would turn my attentions to her. She failed miserably.
*********
On my return from Manchester, to London, (a unimportant journey Darla had forced me to take), I noticed things were different. Spike (as he was now called), was quiet and a lot more respectful to Darla. At first I had mistaken it for him missing me, but something was defiantly wrong. I tried to ask Drusilla (after getting nothing out of Darla and Spike). Dru simply said, “Spike missed Daddy but now he's home he doesn't want to play.” And then walked off. I stared after her, for the one-hundredth time, wondering what had possessed me to drive her so insane.
I managed to corner Spike in his bedroom that night and demanded he tell me what was going on.
“Nothing, Angelus.” He mumbled. “Everything's fine.”
“Don't ye lie te me, boy.” I had reprimanded. “I'll not be lied te. Now we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard…”
“No, sire…!” He blurted out, desperately.
“What is it, Will?” I asked.
“ I just missed you, is all.” He said, finally. “I'm happy your back.”
“Aye.” I nodded, accepting the words now they came from his mouth. “And it's good te be back.” I placed my arm around his shoulder as I often did and watched him flinch at my touch. I saw him curse under his breath and I pulled my arm away. He didn't try to stop me from lifting his shirt over his head and exposing his scarred back.
Half-healed wounds covered his back and stomach. Lashes from whips, burns from fire and holy water. Crosses that had been pressed into his chest. I walked around him, my eyes tracing each cut, each bruise. I looked up at him. His face was cast to the floor in shame. He wouldn't even look at me.
“William.” I said, softly. “I dinnae know. I would never have…” I struggled to find words to apologise but none came to me.
“It's fine. They're healing up real good.” He replied in a fake happy voice.
“Did she do this te ye?” I asked, knowing the answer.
He didn't bother replying. He just kept his eyes on the floor. When I tried to look at him, he turned away. I held his jaw, firmly and brought his face to mine, looking into his eyes. I saw the same hurt and suffering I had given to so many others in his eyes. But this wasn't fun. I wasn't enjoying this. I was angry.
“What else did she do?” I asked, trying to keep calm.
“Nothing, Angelus.” He whispered.
“Dinnae lie te me, Will.” I yelled. He tried to look away. “Will!”
“I gave him to the minions.” Darla's voice said. I released Spike's chin and looked at her. “Don't look at me like that, Angelus. It is my right.”
“Tis not your right.” I shouted back. “He's mine, Darla and ye know it.”
“And who do you belong to?” She asked, a cold gleam in her eyes.
“Aye. Yer right. I might belong te ye, but he don't belong te ye. If ye touch him again…” I warned. I regretted the words immediately but they had been spoken. I knew that I would probably suffer as worse a fate as Spike for that.
“We'll see about that, dear boy.” She hissed as she walked out.
I turned back to Spike, who still insisted on hiding away from me. “I willnae let her do it again, William, I swear.” I promised him. The pain on his face was excruciating. He had suffered the worse humiliation a vampire could know. He had been raped by the lowest form of vampires.
*********
That night I had held him in my arms and let him cry. It was something we had never told anyone else, because they couldn't have understood. Darla never touched Spike again, but I did pay dearly for my threat against her. I think she understood that I would not tolerate another attack on him. We both knew I was getting stronger than her all the time.
After that, things had gone back to normal. Darla complained, Spike played up (though never in front of her), Drusilla babbled and I continue to punish him for his damn pride. Things were going well. Very well. Until the night I fed from a little gypsy girl. Both the worst and best thing that could have happened to me. I am no longer a killer. I am no longer Angelus. But he is still part of me and that part of me still hopes that one-day, I can finally make it up to Spike.