Definitely Maybe

SUMMARY: Sparks will fly when Spike, who is staying with his sire in L.A, is forced to face up to some unresolved issues. Meanwhile, Angel must admit that he finds himself strangely attracted to his childe. But wait, there's always that bloody curse...

DISCLAIMER: I own neither Spike nor Angel, nor any other BtVS/Angel character mentioned in this story. Surprised, eh? They belong to almighty Joss Whedon and the WB. This is non-profit fan fiction.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ah, well. Writing S/A is simply more fun with Angelus being Spike's sire, so sod the canon. Big thanks to Avarice, my gorgeous beta chick and queen of pronouns. *g* Hugs to Luna, Netia and everyone else who encouraged me to continue this. Lyrics taken from Garbage's "Vow". Words in * * are thoughts.

With a deafening explosion the chaos demon disappeared, the shock wave sending Angel and Spike flying into a pile of wooden boxes that collapsed over them, burying them underneath them as they tumbled down with much rumble and racket.

He lifted a couple of boxes and threw them away, and to his relief he suddenly noticed a strand of blond hair peeking out from underneath the broken remains of a box.

"This was the very last time I've listened to you, you bloody son of a wanker! 'Powder of hemlock makes the chaos demon disappear... Just sprinkle some on it, it shouldn't be dangerous!' Ha!"

Suppressing a chuckle, Angel pulled his blond childe out by the arms and helped him up. With an amused little smile on his face the taller man dusted the younger vampire off.

Spike cut him off, continuing. "You think *I'm* funny? Funny de-fanged useless Spike tagging along, sprinkling demons in soddin' hemlock powder? Are you having a good time?"

"That's not what I was saying, Spike. I didn't mean that at all," he said soothingly. His hands raised in a defensive manner, he slowly moved closer again.

"Okay, maybe I should have told you about the powder before we got here, I just didn't think it was important." He smirked. "Hey, but you should have seen your face when you..."

A hard punch in the face flung his head sideways and stopped him from finishing his sentence. Bewildered, Angel stared at his childe.

"You really don't get it, do you? We had a deal! I mean, where was the violence? We didn't get to beat up even one single demon! No, we sprinkled them in soddin' hemlock powder! Why do you think I'm doing this, you friggin' nonce?!"

The handsome brown-eyed vampire sighed deeply and took a step out of Spike's range, rubbing his hurting cheek. He was trying hard to understand how Spike could have gotten so upset about the lack of violence in the fight with the chaos demon.

Lately, the defanged vampire was behaving more than just a little odd. He was more irritable than ever, exploded because of the silliest, insignificant things, stayed out late, came home in a mood even worse than before he had left, and simply refused to talk to him. Which was the only thing about it that wasn't really new to Angel.

Angel followed him, catching up with his childe with a few long strides, exiting the very battered looking building after the younger vampire. He closed the front door firmly, and a second later the old wooden edifice collapsed behind them with a loud crash.

The Master vampire only glanced back over his shoulder but kept on walking, unimpressed. He looked at the younger man, half-smiling, continuing their conversation.

The blond demon glanced at him, still annoyed. "Especially not you, right, peaches?" he said in a sarcastic voice and walked on faster.

The souled vampire stopped for a moment and thoughtfully watched his childe walk away. The black leather duster swung softly with the catlike movements of the peroxide blond.

It was the least the dark-haired vampire had expected to happen when he had invited Spike to stay at his place about three weeks ago.

Angel sat in his favorite armchair at his apartment below Angel Investigations and looked over to his childe. The peroxide blond vampire was lounging in a chair, watching the re-run of a mindless game show on TV, stuffing potato chips into his mouth, from time to time drowning them with a swig of blood from his mug.

While Angel was thankful for a few days without having to put himself into mortal danger and facing nasty, deadly demons telling him that they were planning to tear him to pieces and eat his entrails in alphabetical order, the blond seemed to miss it badly.

He studied the younger man's handsome features. The beautiful blue eyes that usually sparkled brightly with energy and mischief were now dark with pure annoyance. The full lips were parted slightly, the muscles on his neck tense, giving away that he wasn't relaxed at all like he appeared to be.

Angel smiled a little to himself. Beautiful. Strong. Mesmerizing. There was no word that could possibly have described what he saw every time he really *looked* at his childe, and somehow he couldn't avert his eyes from the attractive vampire for a long moment. Even now, in his chipped state, you could almost feel the power radiating from the young man, as if his charisma were a living and breathing thing, gasping for air, trapped beneath the firm grip of a microchip holding him down. But nevertheless beautiful. Truly beautiful. The most passionate being the tall vampire had ever known, with such a raw lust for life, so intriguingly wild and untamed.

He envied him that recklessness, that boyish charm that he had kept through all the years. There was something so pure inside those heavenly blue eyes that always seemed to mock him, as if silently he were saying:

*There is more to this life, Angel, more than brooding and saving innocents and risking your unlife for a trace of redemption that you know you can only ever glimpse, but never get. And that, mate, is called fun. Ever heard the word?*

A faint, dusty memory like an old, faded photograph. There must have been a time of joy and laughter, once, a long, long time ago. Looking at Spike, there was something deep inside of him that stirred, something dark, possessive opening its sleepy eyes...

Spike eyed the dark-haired man suspiciously, then turned away, trying to concentrate on the game show again. Not that he really cared, but he was nevertheless trying hard to appear like he did.

With an annoyed snarl, the blond vampire turned off the TV and got up from his chair. He glanced at his sire and began to walk around the room, looking for something to distract himself with. Finding nothing, he sighed and lit a fag, inhaling the blue smoke deeply as he leaned against a sideboard.

Spike's eyes wandered over to the older vampire who was reading in an old leather-bound book that looked really important. Frowning slightly, he studied the handsome features of Angel's face, the beautiful, bottomless, dark pools of his eyes you could drown in, the soft curves of his lips...

The truth was that his sire still had it within him. The darkness was still there, the blond had glimpsed it when they had been fighting demons side by side. *So don't give me that 'Oh, I'm Saint Angel, I have a soul' crap, pal. No, you're a killer. You're just too chicken to live it. And the most pathetic thing about it is that you don't even know what you've got.*

But did he value what he had? Not in the slightest. It was enough to make Spike want to grab him and smack him from here to Judgement Day.

He had been staying at the tall man's place for almost three weeks now, and in moments like these he asked himself why he hadn't taken at least one of the countless opportunities and just *staked* him.

The blond would have been so much better off without the brooding poofter prancing about like Mr. Superhero, constantly nagging about him not keeping the apartment tidy.

* Ha! Just you wait, you friggin' nonce. Just you wait. Things are going to look up for me sooner or later, and then we'll see who'll be laughing longest.*

With great relish, Spike took a long drag on his cigarette, fantasizing about his final day of victory, when all the Buffys, Angels, and the rest of these unnerving all-around-good-guys would go to hell, unlife would be a never-ending party, and everything would be... just as bloody boring as it was right now, with his luck.

"'Tis indeed. And you've got the potential. Wait, is that a bruise there on your forehead? No, couldn't be. You actually need a brain to get brain hemorrhage," the blond demon smirked.

"Ouch, and that's two points for the man in black with the nancyboy haircut, thank you. You've got more to offer or is that the best you can do?"

Breathing in sharply, Angel shot his childe a dark glance. "Spike, it may have escaped your notice, but I'm actually trying to read."

"So? It may have escaped *your* notice, but I'm your guest." The blond crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back. "Entertain me."

"You're *not* my guest, Spike. You *work* for me. You're here entirely on a favor," the dark-haired man said in a matter-of-fact tone, still not bothering to interrupt his reading.

"Oh yeah, that's right, you haven't told me how generous you are today." The demon put his hand on his heart dramatically, eyes twinkling dangerously. "Thank you, Angel, thank you for letting me sleep on your stinkin' couch and making me feel like a piece of gobshite underneath your boot."

Realizing that he had touched a sore point, the older vampire finally closed his book and looked at his childe, watching as Spike grabbed his leather duster and headed for the elevator.

"Where anybody with any brains would go: As far away from you as possible," the blond hissed and put on his duster, getting ready to leave.

"...Sit around and try to bore each other to death some more? Naw, thanks, peaches. I've had my fix for the night." Said it and closed the elevator door behind him more violently than necessary, going up before Angel could even argue.

Left behind in the abrupt silence that was so much louder now than it had ever been before Spike first arrived here, the handsome dark-haired vampire sighed deeply, silently cursing himself.

No matter what he said or did, he always seemed to find a way to upset the younger man. Angel just kept forgetting that Spike was dealing with problems he just couldn't accept, and that even though he pretended to be the same demon he always had been, the chip had already begun to affect his personality. He knew it himself, of course he knew, and that was without doubt the reason for all this anger. No wonder his rebellious childe had such a thirst for violence. It was probably the only way for the blond vampire to keep from exploding, and ever more so, from going insane.

Seeing Spike like this made something within him spin wildly, made it ache so deeply, wanting to make the other vampire see that there was a way to cope, a way to go on. Wanting to help, wanting to make it better, wanting to...

Closing his eyes for a moment, Angel drove the blond's handsome face from his mind, struggling against the emotions stirring deep inside of him, making him feel guilty.

Yes, he was ignoring Spike. Because he didn't dare talk to him. There was simply too much to say. And a lot of it was better left unspoken.

Hoping that the blond wouldn't get so plastered as to not make it home safely before the sun rose, the dark-haired vampire sighed and sat back down. Angel stared at the book he had put down beside the armchair and frowned.

"All I'm saying is that - from an entirely objective point of view - it just isn't *fair*!" Wesley concluded his rant with a frustrated expression on his face and sank down on Cordelia's desk. Shifting a bit to turn around and look at the young woman, the Englishman tilted his head.

The long-haired beauty tore her eyes away from the computer screen and looked at him blankly, her eyebrows raised, a sweet smile on her lips.

"What? - I'm sorry, I didn't listen. I had no idea Cara Donna give a five per cent discount on all items ordered via internet. Isn't that amazing? - Anyway, you were saying?"

Sighing a little, Wesley just looked at her for a moment, a bit like a lost puppy. Then he took a deep breath and decided to sum up his previous five minute speech in one sentence.

Leaning closer, with a look of complicity on his face, Wesley whispered: "He's trying to get between Angel and us. - Ah, I know what you're thinking. He acts like he doesn't care, but I'm telling you, that vampire is a shrewd operator! He's only just pretending that he doesn't care. You turn your back to him and *snap* he steals your job. Mark my words. That's exactly what he's planning to do. Just wait and see."

"Of course, now that you mention it, everything suddenly makes sense!" Cordelia nodded gravely and suppressed a grin as the image of Spike sitting at her desk typing bills and painting his fingernails crossed her mind. The actress gestured for the man to lean in closer. "I think I figured out what our problem is." She paused dramatically and looked deeply into Wesley's eyes.

Pulling away abruptly, Wesley frowned and got up. "I assure you, I'm perfectly clear. Ever since that... that rude and bad-mannered demon arrived here, Angel hasn't been the same. It's always 'Spike this, Spike that'... He's never around anymore!"

"Jealous! Ha! I am cautious, that's an entirely different thing. I mean... Spike! Why does it have to be Spike out of all living creatures on this planet? We all know that he's not trust-worthy. You can not turn your back to him, not for a second."

Cordelia shrugged, turning her attention to the computer screen again. "Angel probably thinks that he owes him somehow. Because he made him or something. I don't know."

"But that still doesn't explain why he has to work for us. His abilities are... well, I do admit that he's been some kind of help every once in a while. But still..."

Cordelia shrugged. "Stop your whining and be a man about it. Everything's going pretty well the way it is. See it that way: You don't have to put yourself in danger all the time anymore. Spike's tough job guy, and you're research guy. That doesn't mean that Angel cares less about you. He values you even more now because he knows he can trust you and rely on you."

"He didn't come home last night. Guess I'd better go and look for him. God only knows what kind of trouble he's gotten himself into this time."

She nodded towards Angel's office. Through the window you could see a pretty young woman sitting opposite of the tall man's desk, looking around the room.

"You've got a customer waiting. Nothing spectacular. Her ex turned out to be a giant insect and is stalking her." Cordelia shrugged lightheartedly. "You know, the usual."

Due to the new case, Angel hadn't been able to go looking for Spike all day. Normally he wouldn't have bothered, but he hated the way they had parted last night. Yes, it had come that far with him already. He admitted it to himself with a half-hearted smirk.

Staring out the window of his office, watching the moon climbing the invisible ladder in the darkened sky, the souled vampire had the familiar brooding look on his face. It wasn't like Spike hadn't done that before, not coming home before sunrise. He was old enough to take care of himself. But then again, the dark-haired man knew his childe well enough to be worried.

Why couldn't Spike see that he was only trying to help him? It couldn't really be all that hard to make him realize that, could it?

Even during their best times, when Spike was still young, a newly turned fledgling, there had been fights and quarrels and anger and pain, but the passion of their relationship had made it all worthwhile.

It was what he had liked most about the younger man, what had drawn him to him almost uncontrollably, and he just knew he had to have him. That rebellious spark of defiance in his deep blue eyes, that sexy, mischievous smile... Spike had always known how to get what he wanted. And Angelus had given him much more than he had ever asked for.

He had been obsessed with the idea to tame this maverick, to make him his entirely. But Spike had known from the first moment, from that lustful, fatal embrace, what Angelus could not see until it was much too late. That he liked it that way, that he wanted him that way. He wanted the younger vampire to disobey, he wanted his childe to talk back to him, to give him a reason to punish him. And oh, the delicious pleasure of it...

Snapping out of his thoughts, he drew back from the window in a determined attempt to clear his mind. If they just hadn't had so much history. He thought he had forgotten about it, but being with Spike every day, having him around all the time brought the memory back, and along with it feelings that were scary and wonderful at the same time.

Being with Spike made him forget who he was, made him question where the demon ended, and where the man began. The tall vampire knew it was dangerous. He knew he was playing with fire. And he still couldn't stop.

His childe had no idea what was going on in his mind, or which secret wars he was fighting. And yet, sometimes when the blond demon looked at him in a certain way, he had a feeling he knew everything, and the thought gave him the creeps.

Angel had to face it, it was the demon inside of him that had made the decision to invite Spike to stay, offered him a job, it was the demon that wanted to protect the younger man. What reason did *he* have for wanting to help the blond? There just was no other logical explanation. He had been fooled.

Unaware of his sire worrying about him, Spike sat on top of a car parked at the edge of a hill towering over the bright lights of the city and took a swig of his bottle of JD.

Just like a big cat picking up the scent of prey, Angel had sensed the blond's apparent need to be saved. And now he was trying to save his non-existing soul, working on turning him into a big fluffy puppy just like himself.

Spike snorted and put the bottle to his mouth, downing the rest of the molasses-colored fluid before carelessly throwing the empty bottle away.

Tired of being kicked around, treated like a dogsbody at the best of times, someone who didn't really matter but turned out to be useful every now and then, so you couldn't ignore him entirely.

Determined to get the Gem of Amara back form Angel, he had left Sunnydale three weeks ago, knowing that this insignificant little stone had the power to make him invincible and help him to finally get rid of the chip. It had probably been his very last chance... and turned out to be a total flop when he had learned that his brainless sire had simply destroyed the Gem because he thought it was dangerous.

He'd rather swallow his own knackers than to get near the slayer and her soddin' friends again. That stupid blond cow who thought she was the queen of everything! Who was she to push him around like that? He had been a master vampire a hundred years before she had even been born!

The truth was that Angel had been right when he had persuaded him to stay, reminding him that he wasn't able to defend himself anymore. Methuselah's grandma could have kicked his ass without him being able to do anything about it. And, let's face it, Spike just wasn't someone to duck, hide and stay out of trouble. Sooner or later they'd get him by the ass. It was only a matter of time.

Eyes that had looked at him so often before, sometimes darkened by anger, sometimes laughing brightly, sometimes seething with raw lust, sometimes shining with...

Sometimes when Spike looked at the vampire who had turned him, he wondered if the dark-haired man had any idea what he had done to him.

And he knew. This darkest of all demons wanted to see him suffer, wanted him to want him so badly that he was willing to do anything...

And even now, knowing that the man he had been staying with was not Angelus anymore, Spike could never forgive him that he had never given him a chance to prove himself.

Even if it was that same old smirk there on the older vampire's handsome face, his sire was *not* the same, bloody hell. It was time to finally get that straight for once and for all.

But still... why was Angel trying to help him then? What did he want from him? Why did he do all this if he couldn't stand him anyway?

God, this was all so confusing it was giving him a headache. Or maybe that was just him sobering up. Blame it on the not having a blood circulation thing that he could never seem to stay smashed for long enough.

Spike took out the purse he had ripped from a passer-by on the street earlier that day and frowned when he noticed that he didn't have enough money left to buy another drink.

Pitying himself, the blond vampire fished for his last cigarette and let out a frustrated sigh when he realized he had lost his lighter.

*Sod it, I'm not gonna crawl back to Angel. Let that arsewipe rot in hell, I don't care. No matter what happens, I'm not going back there. Ever.*

"You know, when I left Sunnydale and came here, I didn't really know what to do. I had no purpose, no friends, no one who cared about me, no one I cared about. I thought it was better that way. But I was wrong."

He paused and glanced at Spike who rolled his eyes, but refrained form saying anything, waiting for the other man to continue his story, but he didn't. Instead he asked:

"I never asked for this. But I believe that there's a reason for everything that happens. I know that I can help people. That's why I'm still here."

"Alright, Spike. I know you're having issues with me not being Angelus anymore. There's just one thing I don't get: If you hated him that much... How come you hate me for not being him anymore?"

"You've got it all wrong, soulboy. The real question is: How could anyone *not* hate you, the bloody son of a wanker that you are?"

"I think you're missing the point, Spike. This is not about you and me or whatever you may think it is about. It's about doing the right thing."

"And Spike... If you think that I don't care where you go or what you do, you're wrong. It may not mean anything to you, but I'm still your sire, after all."

Whatever it was that was happening here, whatever was the reason for his stomach being aflutter all over sudden and his skin tingling excitingly, he had totally forgotten all his gloomy thoughts from a moment before.

The next evening at Angel Investigations Angel and Wesley were having a debate about their latest case. The insect stalker had turned out to be a giant three-headed spider, and Cordelia, who was still trying to recover from that shock, was watching the two men with a blank expression on her face.

Glancing at Cordelia, the tall man sighed. Wesley was right, he really couldn't fight this thing on his own. At least not without getting his head bitten off or something. He hated having to do this, but their chances were definitely a lot better when they were two of them.

With a sly grin on his handsome face, Spike sauntered in and stepped behind Wesley. He patted the dark-haired man on the arm and took the weapon out of his hands.

"Spike!" Angel's face lit up, and immediately darkened again when he noticed. He quickly looked away, pretending to check the weapons in his arms.

"Oh, thank god!" Cordelia, who seemed to have snapped out of her daze when the blond demon entered the room, left her desk and stepped beside Wesley.

"I never would have thought I'd ever say this when I see you," she added, glancing at Spike. "But this is perfect. Now you can get chopped to pieces, and Wesley can stay with me." She beamed happily.

"Why did you come back?" Angel asked after a long silence on their way to the spider monster, glancing at Spike who was sitting on the car seat next to his.

"You know, I've been thinking. You really should get your own place to live. I can't pay you much but... if you still want the job, it's yours."

The older vampire drummed his fingers on the wheel, silently begging the stoplight to turn green already. He had this funny spinning feeling in his stomach, and the uneasy silence between Spike and him wasn't doing much to help.

He was so glad that his childe had come back, it was scaring him. Something inside of him was aching to pull Spike close, to feel the excitement of their lips pressing against each other, his body close to his...

"That didn't help much, it's still as ugly," Spike remarked dryly when Angel managed to cut off one of the three heads of the enormous spider.

The monster was twice as tall as the vampires and entirely covered with thick black fur. With its eight long legs, it was much faster than them, but they had it cornered at the end of a small dead end street.

The monster stood right over Angel now, and the vampire used the opportunity without a moment's hesitation. Jumping up with all his might, the dark-haired man rammed his sword right into the spider's stomach.

Screaming angrily, the giant insect collapsed, missing Angel, who lunged out of reach just in time, by a hair's breadth and hitting the ground with a loud *thud*.

The older vampire exhaled deeply, double-checking to make sure the monster really was dead, then he turned around and hurried over to Spike, who was lying on the ground a few feet away.

"Looks like more than just a scratch to me," his sire frowned worriedly and took Spike's arm to help him up, but the younger man shook his hand off and climbed back to his feet on his own.

"Sure." Angel glanced at his childe, still concerned, but relieved to see that the wound obviously wasn't nearly as bad as it looked. He collected the rest of their weapons lying around, and they headed back to the car.

Mildly annoyed about his sire's seemingly unnecessary concern, Spike walked over to the couch and flopped down, dropping his duster on the way. He took off his black shirt and leaned back, inspecting the wound on his supple chest himself.

Spike grabbed the bandage and glanced at the tall man beside him before trying to wrap it around his chest. As expected, it didn't quite work like that, because his arm just wasn't long enough to go all the way around his body, and if he tried to hand one end of the bandage from one hand to the other behind his back, he had to let go off the other end, which ruined everything, of course. Nevertheless, the younger vampire kept trying with a grim expression on his face, determined to get this right on his own.

His sire chuckled and grabbed a fresh bandage, beginning to wrap it around the younger man's chest without a word. This time, Spike didn't complain.

Softly the souled vampire's fingers touched his childe's white, silken skin a couple of times as he covered the wound good and tight. He could feel Spike trembling lightly underneath his touch. An excited little shiver ran down his spine, but he tried to ignore it.

A long moment passed, and Angel was suddenly aware of the deep silence filling the room, as if even the air itself was holding its breath.

Closing his eyes, Angel pulled the younger vampire close, returning the kiss hungrily, feverishly, as a wave of ecstatic emotions washed over his body.

Spike's hands traveled up his back and came to rest at his head, the slim fingers digging into the vampire's soft, dark hair as his tongue slid into his sire's mouth. Angel let out a soft moan of delight, pulling the younger man even closer to him, wanting to touch him so badly his veins seemed to be on fire beneath his skin.

He let himself fall into that hot, passionate kiss, let himself fall into Spike's embrace as their tongues playfully struggled for dominance. The dark-haired man let himself forget everything for a couple of moments, until he suddenly became painfully aware of his arousal pressing against his tight pants.

Laughing unbelievingly, Spike shook his head. "What do you mean, you can't do this? You either want it or not, it's as simple as that!"

His sire sighed deeply, aware of the disappointment and hurt in the younger man's eyes. "I wish it were. You don't understand. I can't do this at all, especially not with you."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh, sod the bloody curse! I'm not going to... Wait a minute, you think that I could give you a moment of true happiness?" He stared at his sire, a sly grin curling his lips. "Angel, you old wanker!"

"Now don't get pissed off. It's not like you've got a lot to lose, you know. It's just a soul, to hell with it!" Spike moved closer again, but Angel backed away, raising his hands.

Every fiber of the older vampire's body seemed to scream for Spike's touch, wanting to hold him tight, to lie with him, let his fingers run over that silken white skin, aching for the lust and for the passion, wanting to hold him just for this one night, without consequences. But he knew it could not be.

"Maybe there is another way," Angel whispered. "Maybe we can still..." He trailed off. Realizing that it was useless, he let out a deep sigh.

"You know, I really hate you," Spike said, still smiling, and took a step towards the elevator. "For being such a wanker. Most of all for doing this to me. - Are you sure you don't want to shag?"

His grin widening, he pressed the button and the elevator started to go up. Angel's rebellious childe winked at the handsome dark-haired man slowly disappearing from his view.

Shaking his head with a smile, Angel walked over to his armchair and sat down, opening a book. Closing it again just a moment later, the vampire stared at the bandage lying in the corner, smelling sweetly, temptingly of his childe's dark blood, and the smile slid off his face as it switched to brooding mode.