Still Ensouled 17

The Adventures of Captain Peroxide and Deadboy

The Angel/Spike Zone of the BtVS Writer's Guild

Chapter XVII - Spike’s Night

The pull of the Hellmouth beckoned Spike north. He drove up the California coastline barely taking in the night sky as he hugged turns and passed tourists on scenic drives. He had driven for hours, running on adrenalin, savoring the taste of Angel’s kisses that haunted his mouth. The call of the First was strong and he could sense how that strength had grown since he had left Sunnydale. Every moment he expected to find an apparition of Buffy or Drusilla sitting next to him, expected the voices to start to creep into his ears once more, but they did not come.

The closer he got to Sunnydale the more alone he felt. Not only had he left Angel behind, but from the look of the road he had left the world behind. The only headlights that dotted the late night highway were heading South, away from the evil growing over the Hellmouth. He knew that while the average Sunnydale citizen may not have a name for the feelings the Hellmouth stirred in them, they felt them just the same. The town was nearly abandoned by the time he reached Rivelo drive. The Summer’s home looked like the last vestige of humanity within ten miles. The house bustled with activity as the many potential slayers gathered weapons and exercised to keep their minds from drifting to thoughts of pure evil and vampires that did not fear the stake.

Spike opened the back door into the kitchen without knocking and looked for Buffy. He ignored greetings from girls whose names he could not remember and Buffy’s friends whom he wished he could forget. Within a few seconds he knew that Buffy had not come home that night. Willow had made Buffy’s exit from their inner circle of friends sound mutual, but Spike knew she would never have left them willingly.

"Has she called?" He asked Dawn.

Dawn looked to the floor and spoke in hushed tones that carried a bitterness he had never heard from the girl’s mouth before. "No. We don’t know where she is."

"You know I expected this from these traitors, but not you." The overwhelming force of the Hellmouth made his anger rise so quickly it scared even Spike. "You sad lot, she has saved you again and again. She died for you, and this is how you treat her? The Hellmouth is going to swallow you whole, and you know who’s going to save you? No one." Spike cast seething looks at those Buffy had called friends. He now saw them for what they were, scared children, too afraid to use the powers they held.

Spike continued to stare them down until he saw Faith. "Is this what you came back for?" He called out to her as she entered the kitchen from the living room.

"I didn’t come here for anything other than to help. It was B‘s idea to leave." She stepped up to him and put on her best women’s prison face.

"Is that right?" He asked. "Okay." He waved his hands in the air for a moment, debating supplication, and then he punched her. It hadn’t really been his goal to start a fight with a slayer, but the urge seemed quite natural. Faith rubbed her cheek for a moment where he had connected and then pushed at his chest knocking him into the breakfast bar behind him.

"You’re sure acting pretty sweet on her, Spike. Seems kinda odd seein’ as how a few days ago you were so wrapped around Angel I thought it would take a pry bar to get you apart." She said with a punch at the vampire. Spike returned her blow and narrowly escaped a kick to the temple. "I think it’s kinda cute how she makes all the vamps go weak in the knees." She continued through a volley of punches. "I mean B must have blood-flavored nipples or something." Spike got in a couple more hits to Faith’s torso before a roundhouse kick sent him flying over the dining table and into the buffet cabinet on the far wall. He crumpled to the floor and was about to throw himself back into the fight when Giles stepped between them and put a hand on Faith’s shoulder.

"Enough!" He yelled at them both. "We have some very real problems to deal with and this is not going to help. Spike, I think you’d better go."

"Yeah, Rupert, I think you’re right. You go ahead and pretend you’re the big man and Buffy and I’ll go stop the apocalypse." He marched out the front door and stopped just short of the sidewalk. Spike closed his eyes and sniffed at the air hoping to catch some remnant of her scent. Knowing Buffy would have set out on foot was little comfort to him, but after a moment he picked up the slightest trace of her and headed down the street. A few blocks more and her scent became stronger. Most of the houses in the area were completely dark, most had not even bothered to shut their doors as they fled. At last he spotted a house with one light lit in an upstairs window. Buffy’s scent filled the air and he went to the door expecting to be shut out. The mystical barrier that normally would have kept him at bay was not there. Pleasantly surprised he entered the house and followed the slayer’s aroma up the stairs.

"There you are." She lay on a bed, huddled in a blanket. She looked into his eyes and then looked away, clearly not wanting to say what had sent her into a stranger’s home. "I know." He took a step towards the bed and knelt beside her. "I mean, I heard. Willow told me what happened, mostly."

"Please leave." She said pulling the blanket around her tighter.

"Um, no. You think I drove all night just to go sleep in some damp crypt? You’ve domesticated me, I’ve got to have soft pillows and percale or I’m a real monster."

"Did Angel come with you?" She asked, even though the idea of Spike and Angel together still pained her.

"Nope, he had some tidying up to do around the ranch, you just get me." He tilted his head to the side and asked, "That’s not a problem is it?"

"No, it’s just..." She paused and then looked at him hard. "I’m just not sure I can win this one."

"We’re never sure, but we’re not about to quit, we’re not just giving up. Buffy, they need you."

"No, I don’t think they do."

"Yeah, they do. The place is falling apart without you."

"Oh yeah, very unkempt, food everywhere, they were all loitering, and I think some of the younger ones were picking up on foul language."

"Sounds dire." She said with mock worry in her voice.

"I really didn’t see much, just asked a couple questions, hit Faith a bunch of times and left."

"Really, you hit Faith?"

"Well, I do have some expertise in this area lately." She gave him a questioning look, but decided she didn’t really want him to elaborate. "They need you. You are their leader. It’s not the sort of thing you can give up."

"What’s the difference? I mean really?"

"The difference is that they took it from you."

"And you can take it back." He reached under her and lifted her to a sitting position. "Buffy, we can take it back."

"You mean no as in eventually?"

"You really have a problem with that word don’t you?" They both laughed, and Spike took her hands in his own.

"Buffy, they need you, and I can’t fight this thing alone. Willow told me about this Caleb guy and I don’t fancy going up against him myself, not after seeing Xander’s new pirate chic look."

"Spike, tell me what happened in LA?"

"No fair changing the subject."

"Faith, she told me that she was inside your mind, inside Angel’s mind."

"Yeah, that was a load of fun." He saw the hurt look in the Slayer’s eyes. "Trust me, you didn’t miss much. The Powers just have a funny sense of humor is all. We survived, Angelus free, whatever hold the First had on me seems to be gone. Now we just need to put our brains together, well, not literally, but we just need to come up with a plan."

"I just don’t even know where to start."

"Well, let’s start with the preacher man, yeah? He seems to be the funnel for all things Firsty, right? So we take him down a notch, look for a clue."

"Spike, that’s the problem, every time I face him someone I love gets hurt, or worse. I charge in and people are going to die."

"That’s what happens in war, there are casualties and it’s horrible, but you can’t stop trying to win."

"At what cost? When does all this death stop?"

"It stops when we walk away from the Hellmouth saying we kicked its ass." Spike inched his face closer to hers and looked into her eyes trying to draw her out. "Buffy, they need you and its time you start acting like a leader and lead them. The First is getting ready, they played some big cards to keep Angel and me out of the way, but we didn’t give up and now we’re back in the game, here, ready to help."

"You are." She said quietly.

"If you need Angel, he’ll be here. He’s a phone call away." Spike reassured her.

"I’m glad you came back, I am. I just feel so separate from all of my friends, I know it wasn’t really my idea to leave, but I think I deserved it. I never let them get close. I never let anyone get close enough to connect."

"I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting."

"Oh please, that wasn’t connecting." She looked away from him and jumped slightly when he stood up and began pacing the room. "You were just looking for another Slayer notch on your belt."

"Are you really that daft? Do you really think I would go through all this trouble just for that? Maybe that’s how it started, I wanted to take you from Angel, kill you, fuck you, whatever, but you know that I changed. You know that was a different man, you watched it happen."

"Yes, I did, I see what you became, but I also see that it still isn’t entirely about me."

Spike stopped his pacing and tried to collect his thoughts into something cohesive. "You’re right. With you and me there can never be just us. Angel is always here; my past is always here. When I say I love you it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you." He knelt in front of her once again and took a calming breath. "I don’t say I love you because I’m looking for a shag, I don’t need that from you. I say it because you are an incredible woman. You use your strength to make those around you better than they were when you found them. That’s what draws people to you, not the power. You’re the one, Buffy, and it has nothing to do with being the Slayer. It’s just who you are."

Buffy stared at him in silence for a second before tears began to stream down her cheeks. She buried her head in her hands and whispered. "I don’t want to be the one."

"And I don’t want to be this good looking and athletic, we all have crosses to bear." He wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled. "I’m going to let you get some rest, still a few hours till daylight. I’ll check in on you in the morning."

Spike started to push off the bed, but Buffy grabbed his arm and held him close. "Don’t go."

"Okay." He looked around the room and spotted a chair buried under a pile of laundry. "I’ll stay in the chair and keep watch."

"Don’t go." She said again, this time pulling him even closer. "Stay with me." She leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on his lips, not releasing her grip on his arm.

"Just stay and hold me please, I don’t want to be alone." Spike slowly placed his hand over hers and released her grip from his arm and stood up. He took his coat off and placed it on the chair beside the bed before kicking his shoes off. Buffy moved to the middle of the bed making room for Spike to lay beside her. He sat on the edge of the bed wondering how he had gotten here. Less than six hours ago he shared Angel’s bed, and now the slayer was welcoming him with open arms.

"Just holding, I can do that." He rested his head on the pillow and Buffy was instantly on him. She rested her head on his shoulder pulling his arm around her tightly. She placed her own hand over his and squeezed him so tight he was tempted to remind her she had super strength.

"Right, just holding." She agreed, closing her eyes. Several moments passed before she raised her head to look at Spike. "You would have gone."

"I would have gone where?" He asked, not quite understanding the question.

"You would have left if I hadn’t asked you to stay."

"Well, yeah. If our time together taught me anything it’s that I don’t get to decide when I stay and when I go." He put on his best martyr face and closed his eyes. "You decide when I get to stay."

"And that’s enough for you?"

"It has to be doesn’t it?" He asked opening his eyes to question her.

"No. You get to choose now." He looked at her incredulously, wondering if it was a trick, but knowing in his heart that it was not. She was offering him all that he had wanted, and he was too afraid to take it.

When he gave no reply Buffy rested her head against his chest again and tried to fall asleep. Spike held her tightly and slowly his resolve began to slip away. He slid down the bed until he was eye to eye with her and reached out to kiss her as if in a dream, lips meeting again and their embrace tightened once more. He paused giving her a chance to change her mind, but she did not pull back. Her mouth held none of the feral heat that he remembered, the word soft kept running through his mind. The slayer lay with him, and it was soft. The two words sounded so foreign to his mind, but it was just that.

"Spike?" She asked through deep gasps for air.

"Yeah?" He asked as he ran his tongue in a line down her throat to suck on the soft flesh there.

"Will you make love to me?"

He stopped his mouth from completing his task and rose to meet her gaze. "I can’t." He whispered. A look of hurt flashed over her face and she made a movement to pull away from him, but he did not let her go. "It’s not really what you want, not from me. I won’t be having you regretting me when we’re supposed to be saving the world. Just let me hold you, and we’ll take it from there in the morning." He kissed her once more, placing a final kiss gently on her forehead. They lay back against the pillows and fell asleep in each other’s arms. He knew it would be enough for him, and hoped it would be for her as well.

In the morning Spike awoke to an empty bed, a hastily written note was left on the pillow beside him. He read it quickly, and then once more taking time to absorb the details of her plan to find Caleb, a plan he was not a part of. He folded the note and tucked it inside his jacket pocket. Spike then lay back in the bed and waited for the sun to set

People said "That was dangerously hetty."

Violators will be beaten to death with a shovel

(A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend)