Ensouled Part Seven - confessions

The Adventures of Captain Peroxide and Deadboy

The Angel/Spike Zone of the BtVS Writer's Guild

Part VII - Confessions

Summary: Spike comes to LA looking for Angel, together they try and figure out what it means to be Ensouled.

Rating: Mainly R/NC-17

Pairings: Angel/Spike, Angelus/William, Lilah/Wesley, Buffy/Spike implied, Angel(us)/Darla Implied

Timeline: Runs the gamut

Disclaimer: Joss created my darling boys, I just let them run around in my head until they must come out.

Distribution: Please ask, although why you would want to house a 41,674 word long story is beyond me.

Feedback: Please, by all means, Email Tania

"Have you been able to find out exactly what happened in Africa?" Wesley leaned over the small table and took a piece of meat from Lilah’s plate. She stabbed her fork at his hand and gave a little smile.

"Well, he went there on his own, word is he had heard of this shaman, really a powerful demon, who could raise the dead, etcetera. So, he goes to Africa, finds him, then Spike spent the night fighting the demon's lackeys. The only reason Wolfram & Hart heard about it was that he wasn't exactly stealthy marching through the villages on his way. The locals knew he wasn't human, raised a big stink, bit of a hoodoo mob, if you will. The sudden influx of spells and incantations peaked our seers interest so we sent some sweepers to get the what’s what."

"And what did they find?"

"Big lot of nothing, as in serious lack of vampires. There wasn't a vamp within a hundred miles of the demon's cave. All the demon would tell our ‘persuaders’ was that Spike had wanted his soul back to take care of the Slayer. Now you know Buffy better than I do, of course, but I don't imagine she needs a lot of taking care of in the make me breakfast way. So Spike must be thinking of a way to kill her, that fighting without a soul would have made harder."

"Lilah, does everything have to be about killing with you?" Wesley removed his thin-rimmed glasses and gave her a somber look.

"It's a hobby." She gave Wesley a little wink. "Oh come on, you were thinking it too. Spike's already killed two slayers in his short life. He's due."

"The thought had crossed my mind, especially since the LAPD are housing another slayer right here in town. Faith may be in some danger as well."

"Yeah, remind me to care. That hundred thousand she ripped the firm off for came out of my salary."

"Let’s get back on track shall we. Did your coworkers find any evidence of Spike's whereabouts after he left Africa?"

"Not anything exciting, just an uneventful boat ride across the Pacific landing here in sunny LA. Stewards said he kept to his room, they heard crying, but never any company, he never ate on deck. So either he's having guilt or was overcome with joy to have his soul back."

"Okay, so I guess that's all we’ll find out about Spike for now. Shall we move on?"

"To what, Fred said Angel was back right? So Angel and Connor are safely tucked in to bed, Spike is playing nursemaid. All’s right in the world." Lilah took a bite of her dinner, followed by a sip of wine. She looked at Wesley expecting him to continue. "What?"

"Cordelia is still missing."

"I don't know what to tell you there." Lilah continued eating.

"Lilah, you have been known, in the recent past, to use Cordelia to get to Angel. I find it hard to believe you have no idea what happened to her."

"I don't keep track of every demon chippie Angel Investigations employs."

"Dammit Lilah!" Wesley slammed his hand on the table, knocking his fork to the floor. "This isn’t a game. Fred said Angel never met up with Cordelia at Point Dume. Since her car was found on the side of the freeway and there was no sign of struggle or of the car even breaking down, I'm inclined to believe this was something more mystical than normal."

"I'll look into it, okay." Lilah put her fork down and stood up. "Are you coming?"

"Yes." Wesley answered and followed Lilah’s swaying hips into the bedroom.

Spike opened the door to Angel's room slowly. He had hoped to find him awake and alert, but was not surprised to find him sleeping fitfully. His sire’s large form shuddered under the thick blankets. He made soft groans each time he rolled over or shifted his torn body. Spike kicked his heavy black boots off and placed them on the other side of the bed. He then crawled under the covers and placed a calming hand against Angel's cheek. The larger vampire seemed to relax at the touch instantly. He reached out and clung to Spike's waist, pulling him closer. Spike continued to stroke at Angel's soft cheek and hair that still needed another washing.

They rested against each other for some time before Angel opened his eyes. He looked at the sharp lines of his childe’s cheekbone and into the piercing sapphire of his eyes as if trying to see himself in them.

"Sorry Peaches, just me in here." Said a low voice.

"I know, just you, but which you?" Angel rolled onto his side to get a better look at the younger vampire. "I think you better tell me why you're here now."

"Right, sure your ready, could be a long story."

"Does this story involve me moving?"

Spike sat up against the headboard and let Angel rest his head on his lap so he could resume his caressing of brown hair.

"I'm not sure where to start, I mean I don't know how far back I need to go for it to make sense to anyone else. It barely makes sense to me."

"Just start wherever, if I'm lost I'll tell you."

"Fair ‘nough. So a few months ago, no longer than that. Last year, Buffy and I kissed." Spike felt the head in his lap jump a little. "I told her I loved her, and it just happened, kind of out of the blue like. She was having an impossible time dealing with being ripped out of Heaven. Can’t say I blame her. I mean, being ripped out of Hell was probably as pleasant as that was painful."

"One can imagine." Angel answered, trying to reconcile the fact that Spike had kissed Buffy.

"So it gets better." Spike paused trying to find a delicate way to continue. "So this happened a couple times, the kissing. Then one night, Buffy starts going off on me, I'm an evil soulless thing, blather. I hit her. And it didn't hurt. The chip didn't activate. So little William goes bananas, thinks he's getting a four course meal that night. But I can't do it. Can’t bite anyone. Had some wankers check the chip, still working, still emitting little shots out to my brain around humans. But. Not. Her. Not Buffy."

"You bit Buffy?" Angel sat upright in the bed to look at his childe.

"No, no, nothing like that. We got in a fight, and let me tell you she was right pissed that I could fight back. So we fight, literally tearing the walls down in this wreck of a house near the Magic Box. She’s taunting and whining and throwing me across the room, good time all round." Spike was the only one smiling. "So I asked her if I was hurting her, ‘cause I really didn't want to, kind of going on instinct at that point. She said I wasn't even close to hurting her, then she kisses me. I mean hard. Pinned me against the wall. Then she tosses me to the other side of this room that's about to cave in, jumps up into my arms, tosses her skirt to one side and undoes my zipper. Angel I'm telling you, she just whips me out of my trousers and slides right on. Not another word between us. She just starts riding me, pushing me where she wants me. Then we fell through the floor, and she just kept on going the whole way down. I thought for sure the back of my skull gave out when we landed, and she just kept going, almost all night. It was so unreal. Here I am, with the woman I'm totally in love with, I wanted her like I haven’t wanted another person in ages, and she says to me when it's over and she’s looking for her knackers, that she loved you. YOU! That I was just convenient. Then she punched me in the head and took off."

"I'm a little lost. How long was I under water?"

"Angel, this was months ago."

"I see, and not like alternate universe or anything? This happened in Sunnydale."

"You don't have to look so incredulous. She gave it up to you, why not me?" Spike knew the answer and took the punch to his ribs like a man.

"Ow, you bleeding pillock, do you have to hit in the ribs. I love her, I still love her."

"Then why come to me, why aren't you there with her?"

"That’s kind of where the story gets to be more like old times, mate." Spike shifted in his spot trying to relax before going on. "She came to me a bunch more times. She’d tell the scoobies she was patrolling and come over for a bit of the rough and tumble. It was always wild, always different. She was like a caged beast, she couldn't get enough. Every time she’d say it was the last time, but every time I went to her she let me back in. Then the soldier boy came back."

"Riley." Spike knew enough about Angel and Riley’s one meeting to know there was no love lost between them.

"Yeah, so Agent Finn comes back with this dish of a wife, perfect demon hunting life, whatever, upsets Buffy to no end. She actually walks into my crypt and asks me if I love her? Which of course I do, we make love. I mean, tender soft moans and chocolate kisses love for the first time. It was like the first time. Totally new, I could have died in that moment Angel, and in walks Finn. Finds us arm in arm, sound asleep. So she freaks, because of course she hasn't told anyone that she’s a vampire groupie. Then there were grenades and demon eggs and that part’s not so interesting."

"Demon eggs and grenades, do elaborate."

"Story for another time mate, this is more of a Meg Ryan flick than Stallone."

"So anyway, she comes back later that night, she gives me this rubbish about not loving me, that she can't love me because I don't have a soul. She called me William. William. Like I'm some simpering moron."

"William was rarely simpering Spike."

"Not the point, speaking of which, I want to point out that far as I know Buffy is alive and well, okay."

"Um, okay, figured as much."

"Ok, so she breaks it off. I was pissed, went a bit shag happy after Xander and Anya’s wedding, I mean, non-wedding, since the ponce bailed before the I do’s. So I was upset, Buffy kept coming to my crypt, I think just to see if I suffered like you did when she wasn't around. She’ll really make someone a very nice dominatrix someday. So she comes over one night and says that she knows my feelings are real, blah blah, drives the invisible stake in a bit deeper. So I went to the Magic Box to get some sort of numbing spell, for me, to try to get some of her out of my system. Instead I find Anya and Cecily chatting it up."

"Cecily, you mean, your London Cecily?"

"That’d be the one, here’s a funny side-note, she was in London all those years ago to wreak a little vengeance, seems her and Anyanka go way back, like eight hundred years, her name is really Halfrek, and I was never beneath her, she was just there to turn some guys insides into horse dung. Ain’t love grand."

Angel couldn't help but laugh. He had put up with stories of Cecily for years after William’s turning, it seemed somehow fitting that it would be for naught.

"Yeah, so anyway, I'm talking with Anya, we’re drinking the numbing spell, I believe you potato eaters call it Whiskey, one thing leads to another, and I'm waxing the research table with Anya’s ass."

"Good god Spike, you're like a Russ Meyer flick come to life."

"That’s kind of the end of the sordid part. These wannabe super villains had planted cameras in the magic shop, Red had tapped into it and let Xander and Buffy watch the show. So for some reason , can't imagine really, Xander thinks it's his business, even though he left Anya at the altar. He comes over to the shop straight away and swings an axe at my head. Buffy shows up all noble and keeps Xander from dusting me. Not really the cheeriest scene I've ever been in."

"So Buffy saw you with Anya?" He put a heavy hand on Spike's thigh. "Why? Why would you hurt her like that?"

"You know you sound like the slayer’s kid sis. I didn't do it to hurt her! I was just trying to move on. She kept telling me to move on. So I went to her house to try to say I was sorry. I got upset, I didn't see she was already hurting from some vamp giving her a rough time. I expected her to give me a shove off and I'd go, but she couldn't fight back, I thought she wanted me to.. No. I know she didn't want it. I wanted her so bad, I tried to make her. She stopped me and I left. I wouldn't have hurt her. I know I wouldn't have."

"You tried to rape her?" The hand on Spike's thigh tightened.

"No, I couldn't. Chip or not, I don't want her like that. I went home, it was all I could think of. It kept playing through my head like a movie. Her screaming and begging me not to hurt her. Oh, Angel it hurt so bad. I never wanted to hurt her like that. I kept thinking that it was just the chip. I would never have been there without the chip. It wouldn't let me have my own thoughts. All I heard in my head were Buffy's screams." Spike had tears running down his cheeks now.

"You know what the worst part was. That part of me was glad. Part of me wanted her to scream. It's been so long since I could make someone run from me, make someone fear me. The demon wanted her to scream, and I didn't know how to make it stop."

"I understand. That I understand." It was now the sire’s turn to wipe the salty streaks from the childe’s face.

"Then Clem said something about a shaman and making things change. I knew what I had to do. So I went to Africa, and I did it. Just like that, I did it."

Angel jumped off the bed as fast as his injured body would move. "You had the chip removed!" His eyes darkened and he became frantic. "How could you?"

Spike stood up and ran to Angel, taking the larger man in his arms.

"No, No, I didn't." He shook Angel, "Listen to me, I still have the chip! But I have something else too."

Angel just looked into his childe’s eyes. He knew the truth before Spike said it aloud.

Violators will be beaten to death with a shovel

(A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend)